如果你想要更好，你就必须变得更好
I’m sitting at a sidewalk cafe in SoHo. I have allotted a few hours strictly for writing today. Which. Is probably not enough time to get anything decent down. But the goal is simply to write. Who cares if it’s decent (maybe you do). I’m sipping on an iced latte. It’s sunny. It’s almost September.
I wrote this in my notes app last night before falling asleep (I always seem to have the best ideas before falling asleep):
Underneath all that hate is hurt.
In forgiving others, you forgive yourself in the process.
Anyone with hate in their heart, you’ve got to have some empathy for. Humans aren’t innately hateful creatures. But we get hurt (by other humans) and we don’t know where to place that hurt. It often gets buried in the rubble. It festers and oozes and hardens. It will turn you to stone, if you let it. And if you let it, that hurt with nowhere to go, becomes hate.
You’ve got to forgive them for the things they did when they didn’t know better.
You’ve got to forgive them for the things they did when they did know better.
You’ve got to forgive them because if you don’t, if you hold on to these things, the weight of them will crush you. It will eat you alive. You won’t recognize yourself. You will become just like them.
Forgive them. Then you can forgive yourself, too.
And when you do that, when you are able to forgive yourself for the hurt you have caused, for the lives you did not live, for the things you felt you had to do in order to survive, for the things you did not do, for the things you did not know, for the things you did know, for letting the hurt change you. When you do that, when you forgive yourself, you set yourself free. The hurt does not become you. You are free to become you, whoever you choose to be now.
I suppose that’s Part One of this entry (essay? article? it feels more like a journal to me). But I’ve been thinking about the people online (and offline) who take time out of their day to hate on other people. Having an online presence is interesting. I’ve never had one until this year. It takes a thick skin. Sometimes the trolls are ruthless and they get to me. But for every one negative comment, I get ten positive ones. I try not to think about either (positive or negative) too much, and just follow my gut. (My attitude recently: If you try to please everyone, you please no one. If you try to please yourself, you end up pleasing ten people in the process.)
I might say something offensive from time to time, but for the most part I try to be reflective, positive, and encouraging on my page. Some stuff lands and some doesn’t. But that’s not the point. The point is social media is a tool, a creative outlet, and if used correctly can be used for good. (Which is my goal.)
However. The hate (and the sometimes downright evil) you see on social media is reflective of something that is happening in the collective at a much larger scale. When hurt people find an outlet online, the platform learns that the anger/rage/hate/hurt keeps their attention. So it continues to push that out. It continues to show you similar posts. And now, your unresolved emotions are expressed online, exploited, and mirrored back to you. Look! Everyone is hurt! Everyone is angry! Everyone is upset. The cycle continues.
It is easy to get sucked into the social media trap and think that what you’re seeing is absolute or representative of real life. It’s not. Think of the algorithm as something designed to keep you stuck. It wants you trapped. It wants you logged on. The goal is to get you to engage. To keep your eyes on the screen. To keep you in the vicious scroll cycle. To keep spoonfeeding you whatever narrative is going to get you to stay on the app just a little longer.
And it’s ruining you.
You log on to social media. And now you think you “think for yourself” but you’re just thinking the way the algorithm is telling you to think. That political party is bad! This food will kill you! This is the best way to exercise! You’re getting fed the gender war lies on a daily basis now and believe (truly fully with all your heart believe) all men suck or all women are evil.
The algorithm doesn’t necessarily invent our beliefs. But it does find what gets a reaction from us and gives us more of it. Subconsciously or not, your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your life. So. You’ll start looking for proof of what you already believe. You’ll notice the things that confirm it. You’ll ignore the things that don’t. Then you’ll carry that belief into your real life, act accordingly, and point to the outcome as proof that you were right all along.
We love to prove ourselves right.
It’s confirmation bias, played out from social media to your real life. You’re hurt. You’re seeking validation online that your hurt is justified (I’m not saying it is not). But now you’re letting it become your identity. Now the narrative is feeding your own insecurities and victim mindset.
Maybe you secretly enjoy being the victim. Victimhood can be psychologically quite useful actually. If everything is someone else’s fault, you never have to risk changing. You never have to examine your own choices. It is much easier, after all, to blame everyone else for the problems in your life. Easier to blame the men. To blame the women. To group everyone into a box. Easier for you to compartmentalize. Easier for you to rationalize. Easier for you to do everything except for perhaps the one thing you need to do: look in the mirror.
You are not the sum of what has happened to you. You are the person who responds to it. Often things happen to us that are completely out of our control (despite how much of it we try to control and manipulate, shit happens). You’re not responsible for that. But you are responsible for adjusting the sails. Examine your patterns. What you tolerate. What you repeatedly choose. What you do next. Who you become now. That is entirely up to you.
Face yourself.
Learn how to accept, listen, and understand a different perspective. What you’re seeing online is simply one POV. The one specifically curated to keep you online, and cater to you and your already held ideals and beliefs. Actively seek an opposing point of view. Be open to changing your mind. Be open to the fact that you could be wrong.
Crazy. I know.
I also know that it is difficult to take responsibility for your life because once you do, you have no one else to blame.
And it’s scary isn’t it? Taking your life in your own hands. So many of us are waiting around for someone to save us. Or give us permission. No one is coming to save you. No one is going to give you permission to live your life. It is your life. You have permission.
And when you finally decide that your life is your responsibility, you act. You move to the place you have always wanted to move. You start the business you have always wanted to start. You quit the soul sucking job. You go back to school as an adult. You put all your eggs in one basket and violently pursue a passion project. Your old ceiling becomes the floor.
Every decision you make comes down to two options. Do or don’t. If you want to stop doing something, you only have one option. You stop. And if you want to start doing something, you only have one option. You start. You can make up every excuse in the book. But those are the options.
Get radically honest with yourself. That’s the only way to change. I find it is much easier to act your way into a different way of thinking than it is to think your way into a different way of being. Act like the person you want to be like. And you become the person you want to be like. For example. If you want to be a writer, you must write. If you want to be a founder, you must build something. If you want to be a singer, you must sing.
A few questions to consider:
Are the people around you enabling you or making you better?
Are your habits helping you or hurting you?
Why does whatever this person online (or offline) say trigger such a strong reaction?
Where are your blind spots?
What are you missing?
And the only way to get this radically honest, this reflective, this thoughtful, is to, thoughtfully, log off. Pause the podcast. Put down the phone. Stop the music. Get quiet. Go outside. Talk to people. Find people who don’t think the same as you. Ask them questions. Touch some grass. Get curious about yourself.
When it’s all stripped away, you’re left with you, after all. You vs. you. Who are you, really? What do you actually think? Are you able to forgive yourself? Can you set yourself free?
If you’ve made it this far, as always thanks for reading. Over and out and peace and love for now.
xx,Rachel